Where's the Passion?

Sometimes long term relationships, like marriage, tend to cool down. Heck, some almost seem as if they were hit with a fire extinguisher. One day you look up and realize that there isn't that same spark as there was in the beginning. What happened?

Well, realistically life happened.

In the beginning of a relationship, in most relationships, it is as if you can't keep your hands off one another. Three times a day might not have seemed like enough. You had butterflies in the tummy. You had that stupid grin that just wouldn't seem to go away. You had that urge to just look at the other person because an hour away seemed like too much time.

In real life things like health issues, work (yes, that nasty four letter word), and other obligations start taking back over. The passion starts to die down - usually slowly. Then one day you wake up and it's at a dull roar.

What to do, what to do.

Well, here's the truth. Life continually changes us each day. Each experience we go through turns us into someone new. For instance, if you start a family and become a parent you can't afford to be a party animal - just an animal from a storybook at bedtime. You get tired. You even get to the point where you want sleep more than sex. Or even if there are no children you meet new people. You experience new things. You move to new places. Most people's lives are continually changing, so of course your relationship changes.

So, here is some advice to help re-spark.

1. Make time for one another. It's easy to say that you can't and keep going. It takes work to make it happen. Making it happens shows that you really are willing to do what you need to do to keep the relationship going long term. If you hesitate or make excuses why you can't do it, then maybe you really don't care if things are bland.

2. Communicate. Remember that not since the dawn of time has grunting actually substituted for actual communication. Also, "What do you think?" isn't an answer - it's a question. Conversations do not have to be long and drawn out. Just showing that you care enough to spend a few minutes talking to one another can make a huge difference.

3. Don't let suspicion and jealousy overcome you. If you are fearful that your spouse is seeing someone then open up about it. Don't allow them to make you feel guilty or stupid for asking. Don't accept the "When do I have time?" answer. It won't help your fears and it's also not a denial, so it won't make you feel better. Or if you see someone that is flirting or that your spouse is flirting with and it bothers you tell him. Remember discussing is not the same as yelling. If you are yelling and fighting that is not communication. It defeats the whole purpose. Communication only happens when there is a positive and helpful exchange of information.

4. Show the other person that you are thinking about them with little things. Offer a back rub or foot rub at night. Make or buy them a special treat. Create a goofy poem or card that just shows you were thinking about them. Keep it simple, but sweet. Remember not to get upset if they don't reciprocate. If you want it to go both ways you have to tell them that you want that to happen. Agree on it. You can't expect people to do things that are against their nature. Your goal should never be to change the person you are with into someone you want to be with, but to learn to love and live with the person they have become.

5. Schedule sex. I know, this isn't romantic. However, if your life has become so crazy that you are exhausted and things have become routine this might just be your answer. Some people poo poo it, but I met someone who made it work for them and they were happily married for over fifty years. She told me that after the kids were born if they hadn't scheduled it then it would never happen. After the kids were out of the house it was something during the week they looked forward to. She also said that they were the only couples in their seventies she knew that could say had a regular sex life. Her husband actually looked forward to their Tuesday night. It was the one night that they never scheduled anything else but each other.

6. Also, for married couples I strongly recommend, even if you aren't having problems, marriage encounter weekends. It's amazing the reconnection you can find during that time. It works.

There is nothing wrong with being "comfortable" in a relationship as long as you aren't unhappy. So, if you are unhappy and need that little extra something try any of the above. If nothing works you need something more professional than I can help you with on a blog.

But, I wish you all a future of love and passion!

Dating Older Women

 Men in history have had it easy. There was absolutely no stigma for an older man to date a younger woman. On the contrary, he would get a wink and an elbow bump from the guys for snagging himself a little cutie. But there was a serious double standard for women in the past. An older woman dating a younger man was a travesty. There were woman in the past in the US that actually hid the age of themselves or their husband if the husband was younger to avoid being ostracized. The reasons? Simple. Older women were not as child bearing ready as younger women. However, today, not everyone is looking to procreate. Older men are more financially stable than younger men. Not necessarily true. Our job market is changing daily.

So, what reasons do younger men look to older women? Benjamin Franklin had some ideas on the reasoning, and he was a genious. He said (paraphrasing):

1. Older women are more worldly, have more to talk about, and have seen and know a lot that will keep a man interested.
2. Older women are kinder than younger women and take better care of you. (He also notes that even though they aren't as pretty as younger ones, etc., to which I don't necessarily agree. This day and age of makeovers and moisturizers are keeping older women on the hot list.)
3. Older women are less likely to get pregnant. (Well, we all know what good old Ben was doing during his lifetime, so no surprise he sticks this in here.) He also noted that pregnancy could become an inconvenience.
4. They are better and cleaner than prostitutes. (Yep, Ben has sex on his mind for certain.) Older women are more discreet when it comes to sex than younger women. Not that I've seen many women running around yelling about their sexual experiences on a regular basis, but perhaps. He also states that people could forgive an older woman for having sex with a younger man more easily than forgiving a younger woman for giving up her goods at all. My my how times have changed.
5. Okay, now this some may find offensive, but please, remember that Ben said this and not myself. He says that even though the muscles at the top of the body on an older woman may lack some contour, that her lower extremities that matter are still ready and raring to go. A man won't be able to tell the difference on the down under.
6. Ben says there is less sin in sexual encounters with an older  de-virginized woman than "debauching" a virgin. Wouldn't Ben be surprised today? Evidently making someone a non-virgin ruins their life.
7. You will make a young woman miserable, but you will make an old woman happy. Evidently older women are less demanding and expect less. I'm starting to think good ole Benjamin Franklin didn't know much about women at all.
8. Finally, Ben says that older women will be so grateful for the act. Really, Ben? This coming from a man with a 15 year old common law wife and a slew of mistresses?

In truth there are studies show pros and cons for both ways. In the long run it's not the age that matters, but the quality of the relationship and the compatibility of the people involved.

I personally have been on both ends of the spectrum. I married an older man and the marriage didn't last due to me growing in a different direction after a while. I then married a younger man and we are perfectly happy and still going strong. We communicate better.

The one thing I do agree with Benjamin Franklin on is marriage. If you find the right person then do it
... well, don't just do it... put a ring on a finger, say the words, and mean it.

Things That Can Screw Up a Relationship

Okay, let's face it. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that you are destined for "happily ever after" status. Relationships are work. With the percentage of unhappy and/or divorcing couples it might even be safe to assume that many people sabotage their relationships.

There are some of the well known and publicized ideas of how and why relationships should or do work. You know the staples: communication; trust; respect; love. Knowing how to define them and how important they aren't doesn't guarantee you a life time of happiness, however. You actually have to practice them.

There are some other things that will definitely mess up a relationship. You'd think they would be obvious, but they happen a lot, so obviously not.

1. Don't compare your current relationship with your past relationship. The person you are with now is not the person you were with in your past. Duh. It's not fair that they either have to pay for the sins of your past nor have to live up to standards of being someone else. If the other relationship had been great it wouldn't have ended. Start fresh and learn to appreciate the person you are with - or don't and end it.
2.  Don't assume that your partner knows what you are thinking. You have an advantage of being able to read your own thoughts, but unless you are married to a martian mind reader they probably don't. Giving hints you think are clues isn't the same as coming out and just saying what is on your mind. Just spit it out if you want them to know. Yes, it might not be what you want, but in the long run it saves on a lot of frustration.
3. Regardless of how busy you are make time to spend with your partner. Everyone is busy, so that's really not a good excuse. If you have time to read or watch the news, read a book, or send a text you have time to give to your partner. One huge mistake people make is getting to feel too comfortable with the other person. It's not a road you want to take.
4. Be careful who you listen to when it deals with your relationship. Not all things are as it seems. Just because your good friend seems to have an amazing relationship on the outside doesn't mean it isn't WWIII on the inside behind closed doors. If you love the person you are with, then love them. If you really want to do something be prepared to make it happen yourself. It might be nice if they bought you roses or a box of candy, but if it isn't their style buy it for yourself and tell them, nicely, that you appreciate them, but you like to be spoiled. If they can't do it then you'll do it for yourself. It's important to never expect something out of someone that they can't give. If you can't do it and you just want them to change; you are with the wrong person.

I think the best advice you can have on a relationship is that if you can't live with the person you are with just how they are and love them - you don't really have a relationship, you have a project. Projects are work and not nearly as much fun.

After all, it's the spirits that actually matter and not the body. It is our spirit that makes us happy. Our spirits that love. Our spirits that sustain us. Physical love is not nearly as long lasting as spiritual love.

Oh, and remember this - relationships can drive you crazy, but it's a fun kind of crazy!

What happens to 50 year old Gangstas?

I recently watched an episode of "Celebrity Wife Swap." Before you start rolling your eyes and thinking bad things about my choices, just read on a bit. I'm not a fan or anything, I read a review and was curious.

The episode had Mark McGrath and Coolio swapping wives. The only thing was, Coolio didn't have a wife. He had a girlfriend, with three children. Of course, I really knew nothing before this show except that Coolio had done one hit song - "Gangsta Paradise," - and that he fought Weird Al on his paradoy song, "Amish Paradise." Now I know there isn't really much else to know

I found out through the show that he was living with Mimi and her three kids. She was also amazing, only he didn't see it. He took her totally for granted. She took care of the house and worked two jobs in Vegas as a bartender and as an exotic dancer. Mrs. McGrath was astounding as she scrubbed the house down like an unpaid maid while Coolio snored away in the bed without a concern in the world for her or the kids. Unlike most women who would have taken a skillet to his head, she very graciously mentioned it to him. However, his hearing was either impaired or he has learned to tune out unwanted sounds. It makes one wonder how Mimi lived like that for six years.

Before you go getting all judgy on Mimi, she is a very smart woman. She realized that she deserved and wanted better in her life. She walked into Mark McGrath's house with confidence and quiet determination. She never once criticized their life, but made careful observations. She was kind, patient, comptent, and very caring.

During the episode I felt badly for McGrath's wife, Carin. She tried so hard to get Coolio to get a clue and participate. The truth? Coolio is more interested in being a 50 year old gangsta trying to stay 20 than he is in becoming a 50 year old adult male in a mature relationship. This became obvious when Carin asked about his age and he raised an eyebrow asking if she was looking to irritate him.

Come on, guy. You are a 50 year old man wearing pig tails and you want someone to take you: seriously? You say you want a relationship, but you don't show you really care about the person you are in a relationship with. Oh, and on a side note: playing golf doesn't make you all grown up. Have you even seen the movie "Caddie Shack?" ("Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity!")


It is sad that at the end of the show we learn that instead of appreciating such a great gal in his life Coolio let her move along. All she asked for was a little more attention and consideration. She told him that their relationship "sucked." She needed changes. Evidently it's easier to teach an old dog than it is to teach an old gangsta.  He would have rather been playing golf and doing his own "thang" then sitting at a table listening about how other people felt.

I think Coolio still wishes it was 1995. But honey, that was 18 years ago. Move on up to the future with the rest of us. While you're at it; drop the attitude that women are here merely to service you, or you'll find yourself alone for a very, very, long time to come. He lost his woman after they appeared on the show.

In the end, we learn that the awesome Mimi is not only continuing to support herself and her three children on her own, but that she took on another job of going to school. She'll do fine. Whomever she ends up with is one lucky guy.

What we learn from this entire episode is that you don't have to put up with crap from any relationship. If they aren't willing to give you what you need you don't have to settle.

Modern Dating

It used to be that men went to places like laundry mats to pick up women. I mean, if they were doing laundry it meant they had a clean ethic, and her having qualities that his mother would like was very important. Of course that was only if he didn't meet his one true love in high school. If he did, they would fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Well, at least in movies. In real life - not so much, thus the divorce rate.

Let's look at some movie icons of romance. Elizabeth Taylor, who was a beautiful English actress and oozed romance was married eight times. Julia Roberts who wowed audiences with her large on screen presence and huge smile dated numerous high profile actors, was engaged a few times, and has been married twice. Sometimes you have to date some toads until you actually find a frog, I guess. And believe me, women can be toads too!

But it's not the manner in which you date that makes the difference. It's all a matter of the heart. It's also the manner in which society puts a lot of pressure on people to not be alone. Yet, in reality, sometimes being alone is what you actually need before settling down. Plus, people shouldn't be in such a rush to find the right person to spend their lives with. We rush everything. I mean, why do we need minute rice? It only takes 25 minutes to cook regular white rice, and believe me, there is a difference that is worth the wait.

It is true that we have busy lives. A lot of people don't like going to bars to try to pick up a potential date. What do all the television shows tell us that people that go to bars to pick up men or women? The women are all walking and breathing super models; except for the ones that might be interested in you. The men are all tall and muscular and heroic beings that just stepped off of the cover of a romance novel. Except, perhaps, the ones that would be interested in you. Most of us don't feel like super models or romantic heroes. And for those that do go into bars? Well, a stumbling drunk doesn't make for a very attractive prospect for long term dating.

That leaves us with online dating. Yes, the wonderful world of online dating. A plethera of singles just waiting for other singles to go online, see their picture, fall madly in love, and sweep them away. If only it were that simple.

In reality, you meet someone online after viewing their profile and picture. You strike up a great email conversation, move on to phone texting and phone calls. You believe that you discover great things about one another. Their online picture is in your head and you think how wonderful they sound over the phone. Then comes the face to face meeting. You find that they put up a picture that is either ten years old or must have been shot from an angle that you didn't know existed. You are so distracted by the difference in what you were mentally expecting that it becomes rather awkward. Or worse, you find out you like them, but they just aren't that into you. "This just isn't working for me," they say, "how about you? But we can still be friends." And that's the end. The weeks of expectation and hope have been dashed in less than five minutes flat.

So here is reality. You shouldn't settle. It's okay to be alone for a while. And sometimes you have to date a lot of toads before finding a frog. If you are dating, try dating a few people at one time - just not at the same time. Get to really know someone before taking the next step into that relationship roller coaster. And remember to meet face to face in a public location where you can take a little time to see how they really act and speak, and meet more than once if you find him or her interesting the first time.

After all, isn't the goal to reach that "Happily Ever After?"