Where's the Passion?

Sometimes long term relationships, like marriage, tend to cool down. Heck, some almost seem as if they were hit with a fire extinguisher. One day you look up and realize that there isn't that same spark as there was in the beginning. What happened?

Well, realistically life happened.

In the beginning of a relationship, in most relationships, it is as if you can't keep your hands off one another. Three times a day might not have seemed like enough. You had butterflies in the tummy. You had that stupid grin that just wouldn't seem to go away. You had that urge to just look at the other person because an hour away seemed like too much time.

In real life things like health issues, work (yes, that nasty four letter word), and other obligations start taking back over. The passion starts to die down - usually slowly. Then one day you wake up and it's at a dull roar.

What to do, what to do.

Well, here's the truth. Life continually changes us each day. Each experience we go through turns us into someone new. For instance, if you start a family and become a parent you can't afford to be a party animal - just an animal from a storybook at bedtime. You get tired. You even get to the point where you want sleep more than sex. Or even if there are no children you meet new people. You experience new things. You move to new places. Most people's lives are continually changing, so of course your relationship changes.

So, here is some advice to help re-spark.

1. Make time for one another. It's easy to say that you can't and keep going. It takes work to make it happen. Making it happens shows that you really are willing to do what you need to do to keep the relationship going long term. If you hesitate or make excuses why you can't do it, then maybe you really don't care if things are bland.

2. Communicate. Remember that not since the dawn of time has grunting actually substituted for actual communication. Also, "What do you think?" isn't an answer - it's a question. Conversations do not have to be long and drawn out. Just showing that you care enough to spend a few minutes talking to one another can make a huge difference.

3. Don't let suspicion and jealousy overcome you. If you are fearful that your spouse is seeing someone then open up about it. Don't allow them to make you feel guilty or stupid for asking. Don't accept the "When do I have time?" answer. It won't help your fears and it's also not a denial, so it won't make you feel better. Or if you see someone that is flirting or that your spouse is flirting with and it bothers you tell him. Remember discussing is not the same as yelling. If you are yelling and fighting that is not communication. It defeats the whole purpose. Communication only happens when there is a positive and helpful exchange of information.

4. Show the other person that you are thinking about them with little things. Offer a back rub or foot rub at night. Make or buy them a special treat. Create a goofy poem or card that just shows you were thinking about them. Keep it simple, but sweet. Remember not to get upset if they don't reciprocate. If you want it to go both ways you have to tell them that you want that to happen. Agree on it. You can't expect people to do things that are against their nature. Your goal should never be to change the person you are with into someone you want to be with, but to learn to love and live with the person they have become.

5. Schedule sex. I know, this isn't romantic. However, if your life has become so crazy that you are exhausted and things have become routine this might just be your answer. Some people poo poo it, but I met someone who made it work for them and they were happily married for over fifty years. She told me that after the kids were born if they hadn't scheduled it then it would never happen. After the kids were out of the house it was something during the week they looked forward to. She also said that they were the only couples in their seventies she knew that could say had a regular sex life. Her husband actually looked forward to their Tuesday night. It was the one night that they never scheduled anything else but each other.

6. Also, for married couples I strongly recommend, even if you aren't having problems, marriage encounter weekends. It's amazing the reconnection you can find during that time. It works.

There is nothing wrong with being "comfortable" in a relationship as long as you aren't unhappy. So, if you are unhappy and need that little extra something try any of the above. If nothing works you need something more professional than I can help you with on a blog.

But, I wish you all a future of love and passion!

The Chilvary Test

They say chivalry is dead, but it may just be dormant. Take the chilvary test and see where you rank, or where your guy ranks. This test is easy enough that you can take it for him.  Is he a keeper or a loser? Let's find out.

So, since chivalry is obviously supposed to be dead everyone starts out with -5 points. Hopefully it goes up from there.

1. On a date do you or does he:
    a. Always pay or offer to pay? (+10)
    b. Always pays or offers to pay even on his birthday? (+15)
    c. Expects you to go dutch (-5)
    d. Never has  money to pay for anything (-20)

2. If he/you see someone being attacked you/he:
    a. Doesn't hestiate to step in. (+20)
    b. Ignores it and move on thinking it's not his/your problem. (-20)
    c. Stay out of it but call 911. (+5)
    d. Video tape it for youtube. (-5)

3. The phrase you/he correlates on how women should be treated is:
     a. "Get in the kitchen, woman, and bring me dinner and a beer." (-20)
     b. "Don't worry your pretty little head over it, honey. Let the men take care of it." (-10)
     c. "Behind every good man is an even better woman." (+10)
     d. "No woman will ever be as good as my mom." (+5)

4. If he/you had a theme song it would be most like:
    a. "The All American Hero." (+10)
    b. "She Was Asking For It." (-20)
    c. "She's a Lady." (+5)
    d. "Don't Take the Girl." (+20)

5. Sitting on a crowded subway car he/you would:
     a. Offer your/his seat to a pregnant woman or elderly woman (+20)
     b. Pretend you don't see anyone and mind your own business. (-5)
     c. Push/yell at people to give you some freaking room. (-20)
     d. Offer your/his seat to a hot chick to score. (-15)

6.  It's his/your birthday party and the girlfriend/wife is drunk, falls, and needs stitches in the ER. So,
     a. You/he asks someone to take her so you can keep partying. (-5)
     b. Stop everything to take care of her and ensure her that it's okay. She's more important than a party. (+20)
     c. Take her to the ER, but make sure she knows how pissed you are. (-10)
     d. Make her wait to go to the ER until after the party. Who cares if she scars? (-20)

7.  You are all out camping and a grizzly bear appears. He/you
      a. yell, "Every man for himself!" and run for cover never looking back. (-20)
      b. Make yourself/himself huge and tell everyone else to get in the car slowly. (+20)
      c. Lay down and play dead hoping the grizzly goes for someone else. (-10)
      d. Throw food in front of the grizzy to buy everyone time to get in the car. (+10)

8.  If you/he could have any one of these super powers, which would it be?
     a. X-ray vision to be able to see everyone naked. (-20)
     b. Powers of persuasion so everyone would do your/his bidding. (-10)
     c. Super strength to keep his family and loved ones safe. (+20)
     d. Mind reading so you/he can know what everyone is thinking. (+5)

9. You/he is out to dinner. His best friend mentions that your/his girlfriend really shouldn't have dessert, she's looks like she's had one too many already. You/he:
     a. Tell him to go to hell. Your/his girl is super fine and can have whatever she wants. (+10)
     b. Agree. You/he think(s) women should stay fit and trim to keep their man happy. (-20)
     c. Snicker, because it's funny wishing you/he had the guts to tell her that. (-10)
     d. Get up and walk out with the girl. Anyone that is that mean and disrespectful isn't anyone's friend. Let him know that if times were different you'd/he'd slug him for insulting your/his girl. (+20)

10.  The one old fashioned value that you/he most embraces is:
        a. Opening doors for women. (+15)
        b.  Expecting dinner to be ready when he comes home from work. (-10)
        c. A man rules the house - it's his kingdom. (-20)
        d. Honesty is next to Godliness. (+5)

Score:

Over 100: A keeper! You are right up there with Sir Lancelot and Casanova, baby. You have the moves and the chilvalry that others thought were dead. You are the guy that every woman wants and every man who isn't you hears about it from his wife. He secretly hates you and wants to find your flaws. We wouldn't be surprised if you own a white horse and shining armor.

 40 - 99 -  You have potential. Even though you aren't entirely chivalrous and you have faults, eh. On a scale from 1-10 you're a definite 5. Have you considered charm school? No? We aren't surprised. While you may not be Prince Charming, you certainly aren't quite the frog prince.

30 - 40 - How many relationships have you have that have failed? We think probably quite a few. Remember Stanley from "A Street Car Named Desire?" I'm sure the two of you are probably related. Thankfully you have probably dropped using the club and pulling your woman into the bedroom by her hair, but you aren't that far from your cave man ancestors. Your favorite word might be "ugh." Unfortunately you are probably still quite pleased with yourself.

Under 40. - There is no polite way to say this, so here goes, you are the reason that people think chilvary is dead. However, you put the ick in dick.



   

Dating After a Breakup

So, one question a lot of people have is "how soon after a break up should I begin dating?" Unfortunately there is no simple answer for that. It doesn't come packaged in a nice neat mathematical equation. (Which for those that are mathematically challenged are probably doubly thankful.) However, there are some things you may want to take into consideration.

I think the most difficult thing my friends that have returned to the dating world found is the advice of "take it slow." They have somehow lost, in their time living in long term relationships, the concept of time. After a relationship breakup you need some time for yourself. You need time to grieve a bit and to get your bearings. This is especially important after living with someone for any number of years. Living alone isn't easy, but it is necessary. You regain respect for yourself and gain a lot when you are able to show you can be independent. You will make better relationship choices too. It's amazing how wonderful it is to know you can stand on your own two feet. Most pyschologists recommend a year after a divorce to start dating. Common sense says that you should, at the very least, wait until the divorce is final. Take this time to reconnect with old friends that may have slipped by while you were unhappy and going through your breakup. If you lost friends, do something where you can meet new ones. Take a class. Join the gym. Don't mope.

It's really not a good to have that feeling that you have to be in a relationship. That is a sure sign that you aren't ready for one. It's almost a given that you are willing to overlook a lot of faults in a person just so you have someone in your life. This puts you in a cycle of being miserable, adds to the possibility of depression, and adds to the possibilty of another breakup in your near future. The one thing I've noticed with my friends that start dating after a breakup or divorce is they make excuses for the guy they are dating. He makes them pay, but it's okay, he'll catch it next time. (Never happens.) He doesn't like their friends, but that's okay, they'll make time anyway. (Never happens. In this case they actually make her feel guilty for going with friends.) Other women are calling him, but he never knows who they are. Just wrong numbers or someone that got the wrong idea from a text. (Then why did he have their name in his phone with their number?) Desperation makes you believe anything in order to keep reality at bay. Desperation also means you are really not ready for a relationship.

The next thing is to consider your feelings for your ex. Do you harbor hatred? Not a good sign. Contrary to popular belief the opposite of love isn't hate - it's apathy. That hatred you are feeling extends in a lot of negative directions in your life. Not only does it show you aren't ready for a new relationship; it shows that you are still emotionally attached to your previous one. There are enough obstacles in new relationships that you really don't need to be bringin baggage from a previous one. This is another good reason to take time for yourself and truly get ready to move on in life.

Here is another thing to think about: are you attracted to the same kind of person? It didn't work the first time, so why are you following the same pattern of destruction? Sure, a lot of people like bad boys or fast girls, but is that really wise? If you are looking for happiness and know that isn't where it lies why waste your time hurting yourself over and over again? New beginnings can be wonderful. Let go of past ideas that didn't work and try something and someone totally new. Remember, you can date more than one person at a time. Dating, in spite of what some people believe, is not the same as having sex. Once you take the new person into the bedroom you've changed all the rules.

Okay, now here is the hardest one to accept. Even if your ex was a lying cheating so and so, you were part of that relationship. You stayed there. You married or lived with them on your own terms and maybe even despite warning from other people. You have to come to terms and accept your part in the responsibility of the break up. It isn't just the other person who is to blame. Until you assume your responsibility for your part you won't be able to move on and have a healthy relationship. You truly need to understand what happened in your relationship that made it break apart. Once you do that you won't have that same trouble again. You'll be free.

So, if you can look at this and say, "yep, I am so ready to find someone new" go for it! There is a big wide world waiting for you. So, good luck and happy dating!

Pick Up Lines Through the Ages

Times do change. Here are some pick-up lines from old movies and other sources. You might not want to use some, as they could possibly get you arrested, and no one looks that great in an orange jumpsuit.

1930's

"You aren't only cute, you're smart too." ("Marie Gallant" 1934)
"You want to save my life? Get me a drink." ("And So They Were Married" 1936)
"Hello, handsome. I'm a Grass Widow. You can go as far as you like." ("Behind Office Doors" 1931. Grass widow is: a discarded mistress; a woman who had a child out of wedlock; a divorced woman.)
"Speak to me or something, will you? Am I a leper?" ("Animal Kingdom" 1932)

1940's

"Was that cannon fire, or was that my heart pounding?" ("Casablanca" 1942)
"Give me a kiss or I'll sock you." ("The Postman Always Rings Twice" 1946. Highly not recommended you use this one. I'm sure it would be taken as a threat and not at all charming.)
"Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?" ("The Major and the Minor" 1942)
"You know, there are only two things more beautiful than a good gun: a Swiss watch or a woman from anywhere." (Red River 1948)

1950's

"That's, uh, quite some dress you almost have on. What holds it up?" ("An American In Paris" 1951)
"I was looking up. It was the nearest thing to heaven. You were there." ("An Affair to Remember 1957)
"Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." ("A Streetcar Named Desire" 1951
"Don't you think it's better for a girl to be preoccupied with sex than occupied?" ("The Moon is Blue" 1953)

1960's

"The only question I ever ask any woman is, 'What time is your husband coming home?" ("Hud" 1963)
"Would you like me to seduce you? Is that what you're trying to tell me?" ("The Graduate" 1967)
"I don't bite, you know. Unless it's called for." ("Charade" 1963)
"Here you are baby. Take this; wipe the lipstick off; slide over here; and let's get started." ("The Nutty Professor 1963)

1970's

"I think your clothes are made of kryptonite. We need to get rid of those immediately." ("Superman" 1978)
"My lips are hot! Kiss my hot lips!" (M*A*S*H 1970)
"How do you like your hero? Over easy or sunny side up?" ("Last Tango In Paris" 1972)
"What is it about you that makes a man with a hundred and forty-seven I.Q. feel like a dribbling idiot?" ("The Goodbye Girl 1977)

1980's

"I find your lack of nudity disturbing." ("Star Wars: Return of the Jedi" 1983)
"Your mouth says, 'Shields Up!" but your eyes say that a hull breech is imminent." ("Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan" 1982)
"How would you like to have a sexual encounter so intense it could conceivably change your political views?" ("The Sure Thing" 1985)
"You wanna dance or would you rather just suck face?" ("On Golden Pond" 1981)

1990's

"Listen, I appreciate this whole seduction thing you have going, but let me give you a tip. I'm a sure thing. Okay?" ("Pretty Woman" 1990)
"Let me ask you a question, and be honest. Do I make you horny?" ("Austin Powers: Man of Mystery" 1997)
"I feel a great disturbance in my pants." (Star Wars: The Phantom Menace 1999)
"Well, aren't you the sweetest little thing?" ("Army of Darkness" 1992)

2000's

"I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' your chest." ("Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest" 2006
"My sister can see the future. Let me give you a clue. It's ME + You." ("Twilight" 2008)
"I want to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets." ("Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" 2002)
"We ask ourselves, 'Is she Black? Is she White?' We don't care. She's exotic. I want to see more of her breasts." ("Glitter" 2001)

2010's

"In my experience the prettier the girl is, the more nuts she is, which makes you insane." ("Blue Valentine" 2010)
"You give me premature ventricular contractions." ("No Strings Attached" 2011)
"You look like a guy who is interested in a one-day rental, if you know what I mean." ("This Means War" 2012)
"You should be kissed every day, every hour, every minute." ("The Lucky One" 2012)