Where's the Passion?

Sometimes long term relationships, like marriage, tend to cool down. Heck, some almost seem as if they were hit with a fire extinguisher. One day you look up and realize that there isn't that same spark as there was in the beginning. What happened?

Well, realistically life happened.

In the beginning of a relationship, in most relationships, it is as if you can't keep your hands off one another. Three times a day might not have seemed like enough. You had butterflies in the tummy. You had that stupid grin that just wouldn't seem to go away. You had that urge to just look at the other person because an hour away seemed like too much time.

In real life things like health issues, work (yes, that nasty four letter word), and other obligations start taking back over. The passion starts to die down - usually slowly. Then one day you wake up and it's at a dull roar.

What to do, what to do.

Well, here's the truth. Life continually changes us each day. Each experience we go through turns us into someone new. For instance, if you start a family and become a parent you can't afford to be a party animal - just an animal from a storybook at bedtime. You get tired. You even get to the point where you want sleep more than sex. Or even if there are no children you meet new people. You experience new things. You move to new places. Most people's lives are continually changing, so of course your relationship changes.

So, here is some advice to help re-spark.

1. Make time for one another. It's easy to say that you can't and keep going. It takes work to make it happen. Making it happens shows that you really are willing to do what you need to do to keep the relationship going long term. If you hesitate or make excuses why you can't do it, then maybe you really don't care if things are bland.

2. Communicate. Remember that not since the dawn of time has grunting actually substituted for actual communication. Also, "What do you think?" isn't an answer - it's a question. Conversations do not have to be long and drawn out. Just showing that you care enough to spend a few minutes talking to one another can make a huge difference.

3. Don't let suspicion and jealousy overcome you. If you are fearful that your spouse is seeing someone then open up about it. Don't allow them to make you feel guilty or stupid for asking. Don't accept the "When do I have time?" answer. It won't help your fears and it's also not a denial, so it won't make you feel better. Or if you see someone that is flirting or that your spouse is flirting with and it bothers you tell him. Remember discussing is not the same as yelling. If you are yelling and fighting that is not communication. It defeats the whole purpose. Communication only happens when there is a positive and helpful exchange of information.

4. Show the other person that you are thinking about them with little things. Offer a back rub or foot rub at night. Make or buy them a special treat. Create a goofy poem or card that just shows you were thinking about them. Keep it simple, but sweet. Remember not to get upset if they don't reciprocate. If you want it to go both ways you have to tell them that you want that to happen. Agree on it. You can't expect people to do things that are against their nature. Your goal should never be to change the person you are with into someone you want to be with, but to learn to love and live with the person they have become.

5. Schedule sex. I know, this isn't romantic. However, if your life has become so crazy that you are exhausted and things have become routine this might just be your answer. Some people poo poo it, but I met someone who made it work for them and they were happily married for over fifty years. She told me that after the kids were born if they hadn't scheduled it then it would never happen. After the kids were out of the house it was something during the week they looked forward to. She also said that they were the only couples in their seventies she knew that could say had a regular sex life. Her husband actually looked forward to their Tuesday night. It was the one night that they never scheduled anything else but each other.

6. Also, for married couples I strongly recommend, even if you aren't having problems, marriage encounter weekends. It's amazing the reconnection you can find during that time. It works.

There is nothing wrong with being "comfortable" in a relationship as long as you aren't unhappy. So, if you are unhappy and need that little extra something try any of the above. If nothing works you need something more professional than I can help you with on a blog.

But, I wish you all a future of love and passion!

Dating After a Breakup

So, one question a lot of people have is "how soon after a break up should I begin dating?" Unfortunately there is no simple answer for that. It doesn't come packaged in a nice neat mathematical equation. (Which for those that are mathematically challenged are probably doubly thankful.) However, there are some things you may want to take into consideration.

I think the most difficult thing my friends that have returned to the dating world found is the advice of "take it slow." They have somehow lost, in their time living in long term relationships, the concept of time. After a relationship breakup you need some time for yourself. You need time to grieve a bit and to get your bearings. This is especially important after living with someone for any number of years. Living alone isn't easy, but it is necessary. You regain respect for yourself and gain a lot when you are able to show you can be independent. You will make better relationship choices too. It's amazing how wonderful it is to know you can stand on your own two feet. Most pyschologists recommend a year after a divorce to start dating. Common sense says that you should, at the very least, wait until the divorce is final. Take this time to reconnect with old friends that may have slipped by while you were unhappy and going through your breakup. If you lost friends, do something where you can meet new ones. Take a class. Join the gym. Don't mope.

It's really not a good to have that feeling that you have to be in a relationship. That is a sure sign that you aren't ready for one. It's almost a given that you are willing to overlook a lot of faults in a person just so you have someone in your life. This puts you in a cycle of being miserable, adds to the possibility of depression, and adds to the possibilty of another breakup in your near future. The one thing I've noticed with my friends that start dating after a breakup or divorce is they make excuses for the guy they are dating. He makes them pay, but it's okay, he'll catch it next time. (Never happens.) He doesn't like their friends, but that's okay, they'll make time anyway. (Never happens. In this case they actually make her feel guilty for going with friends.) Other women are calling him, but he never knows who they are. Just wrong numbers or someone that got the wrong idea from a text. (Then why did he have their name in his phone with their number?) Desperation makes you believe anything in order to keep reality at bay. Desperation also means you are really not ready for a relationship.

The next thing is to consider your feelings for your ex. Do you harbor hatred? Not a good sign. Contrary to popular belief the opposite of love isn't hate - it's apathy. That hatred you are feeling extends in a lot of negative directions in your life. Not only does it show you aren't ready for a new relationship; it shows that you are still emotionally attached to your previous one. There are enough obstacles in new relationships that you really don't need to be bringin baggage from a previous one. This is another good reason to take time for yourself and truly get ready to move on in life.

Here is another thing to think about: are you attracted to the same kind of person? It didn't work the first time, so why are you following the same pattern of destruction? Sure, a lot of people like bad boys or fast girls, but is that really wise? If you are looking for happiness and know that isn't where it lies why waste your time hurting yourself over and over again? New beginnings can be wonderful. Let go of past ideas that didn't work and try something and someone totally new. Remember, you can date more than one person at a time. Dating, in spite of what some people believe, is not the same as having sex. Once you take the new person into the bedroom you've changed all the rules.

Okay, now here is the hardest one to accept. Even if your ex was a lying cheating so and so, you were part of that relationship. You stayed there. You married or lived with them on your own terms and maybe even despite warning from other people. You have to come to terms and accept your part in the responsibility of the break up. It isn't just the other person who is to blame. Until you assume your responsibility for your part you won't be able to move on and have a healthy relationship. You truly need to understand what happened in your relationship that made it break apart. Once you do that you won't have that same trouble again. You'll be free.

So, if you can look at this and say, "yep, I am so ready to find someone new" go for it! There is a big wide world waiting for you. So, good luck and happy dating!