To Tell the Truth... on dating profiles

I have helped a few of my friends to create online dating profiles. Those things can be tough! Even tougher is going through them. I mean, you can create about any type of photo with photoshop. Some guys and gals don't even bother putting up photos at all. So here are some tips from someone that has done a lot of looking around (for others.)

1. Don't put up a picture with you and another woman whom you have obviously cut out. Really bad form, guy. Makes the lady wonder if she'll be the next cut out on your dating profile.

2. Don't put up a picture of you from several hundred years ago. Everyone ages. If you are that self concious stay off the dating site and get some help. Eventually he's going to notice you lied.

3.  Avoid putting down things like, "Must be thin and smoking hot." It makes you sound like a superficial moron. Being a moron is bad enough, but being a superficial moron is probably going to keep you alone for a long time to come. It's fine to prefer someone you find attractive, but seriously? Perhaps if you just have your mind set on eye candy there is a really good reason you aren't hitched.

4. Avoid putting up several pictures of yourself holding a can of beer. Beer drinking is fine, but if every single picture you have is of yourself partying and holding out a beer you might come across as a Jeff Foxworthy character. "He might be a redneck if..."

5. Don't just take what someone else says at face value. It's great to meet someone online, but meeting them in person might change your entire perception. If they are avoiding a face to face contact and have every excuse in the world that should be a HUGE warning sign.

6. Take advantage of things such as webcams to have conversations. This way you can get a basic look at him/her before sitting down to an awkward dinner. It can also help keep you from requiring your best friend to give you a bad date rescue call.

7.  Be honest. Don't lie on your profile and then expect everyone else to be telling the truth. Come on. Double standards are not a good way to start out looking for a relationship. Honesty may sometimes be painful, but it really is the best way to go.

8. Don't try to let someone you aren't interested in down easy. It's good to be kind, but sometimes that kindness may be taken the wrong way - such as causing them to think you are really interested even though you are trying to say you aren't. You don't have to be mean, just say something simple like, "It's been very nice talking to you, but I really don't think we click. I hope you find someone that you click with soon." Don't engage further in conversation where someone can make you feel guilty either. Once you cut it off leave it off.

9. Take recent pictures of yourself alone or with your pets. If you are a pet person make sure that the other person knows that up front. A lot of people aren't interested in someone that doesn't like animals. A lot more people consider their pets more like members of the family and not "just animals." Make it part of your profile if something is important to you.

10. Use recent pictures. Don't put up a picture from a year or more ago just because you like the way it makes you look more. If you don't like the way you look work on that first before you try dating. The most important relationship you can have is with yourself. After all, you are the only one that lives with you 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

And with all that said - try speed dating! You get to meet a lot of different types of people face to face without the awkwardness of wondering what they are like in person and drawing something up inside your head that ends up being way off the mark.  It can be an even more exciting possibility for someone whose mother or friends keep ragging on them to get out and meet someone. Imagine being able to say, "I had 12 dates just last week with different people." The look on their face would be priceless!

Dating After a Breakup

So, one question a lot of people have is "how soon after a break up should I begin dating?" Unfortunately there is no simple answer for that. It doesn't come packaged in a nice neat mathematical equation. (Which for those that are mathematically challenged are probably doubly thankful.) However, there are some things you may want to take into consideration.

I think the most difficult thing my friends that have returned to the dating world found is the advice of "take it slow." They have somehow lost, in their time living in long term relationships, the concept of time. After a relationship breakup you need some time for yourself. You need time to grieve a bit and to get your bearings. This is especially important after living with someone for any number of years. Living alone isn't easy, but it is necessary. You regain respect for yourself and gain a lot when you are able to show you can be independent. You will make better relationship choices too. It's amazing how wonderful it is to know you can stand on your own two feet. Most pyschologists recommend a year after a divorce to start dating. Common sense says that you should, at the very least, wait until the divorce is final. Take this time to reconnect with old friends that may have slipped by while you were unhappy and going through your breakup. If you lost friends, do something where you can meet new ones. Take a class. Join the gym. Don't mope.

It's really not a good to have that feeling that you have to be in a relationship. That is a sure sign that you aren't ready for one. It's almost a given that you are willing to overlook a lot of faults in a person just so you have someone in your life. This puts you in a cycle of being miserable, adds to the possibility of depression, and adds to the possibilty of another breakup in your near future. The one thing I've noticed with my friends that start dating after a breakup or divorce is they make excuses for the guy they are dating. He makes them pay, but it's okay, he'll catch it next time. (Never happens.) He doesn't like their friends, but that's okay, they'll make time anyway. (Never happens. In this case they actually make her feel guilty for going with friends.) Other women are calling him, but he never knows who they are. Just wrong numbers or someone that got the wrong idea from a text. (Then why did he have their name in his phone with their number?) Desperation makes you believe anything in order to keep reality at bay. Desperation also means you are really not ready for a relationship.

The next thing is to consider your feelings for your ex. Do you harbor hatred? Not a good sign. Contrary to popular belief the opposite of love isn't hate - it's apathy. That hatred you are feeling extends in a lot of negative directions in your life. Not only does it show you aren't ready for a new relationship; it shows that you are still emotionally attached to your previous one. There are enough obstacles in new relationships that you really don't need to be bringin baggage from a previous one. This is another good reason to take time for yourself and truly get ready to move on in life.

Here is another thing to think about: are you attracted to the same kind of person? It didn't work the first time, so why are you following the same pattern of destruction? Sure, a lot of people like bad boys or fast girls, but is that really wise? If you are looking for happiness and know that isn't where it lies why waste your time hurting yourself over and over again? New beginnings can be wonderful. Let go of past ideas that didn't work and try something and someone totally new. Remember, you can date more than one person at a time. Dating, in spite of what some people believe, is not the same as having sex. Once you take the new person into the bedroom you've changed all the rules.

Okay, now here is the hardest one to accept. Even if your ex was a lying cheating so and so, you were part of that relationship. You stayed there. You married or lived with them on your own terms and maybe even despite warning from other people. You have to come to terms and accept your part in the responsibility of the break up. It isn't just the other person who is to blame. Until you assume your responsibility for your part you won't be able to move on and have a healthy relationship. You truly need to understand what happened in your relationship that made it break apart. Once you do that you won't have that same trouble again. You'll be free.

So, if you can look at this and say, "yep, I am so ready to find someone new" go for it! There is a big wide world waiting for you. So, good luck and happy dating!